"I lived with my depression for years as an adolescent, without knowing what was wrong. Little by little my sadness grew, and I became more and more dispirited. My family was no help; they treated me as the black sheep and made me feel like a loser. It
was not until I sought professional help that I realized that I was not lazy, stupid or a liar –I was just depressed.
I noticed the first symptoms of depression when I was around 12 years old. Until then, I had been a cheery, energetic
and sensitive child, good at school and with many hobbies. I loved dancing and performing, reading and writing down my thoughts, and I enjoyed going to the cinema with my friends. I loved spending time with my best friend’s family, who were
very kind to me. When I was with them I used to imagine what it must be like to live in a peaceful atmosphere.
At our house it was different. I never knew what would be happening or what the mood would be like when I came home. My father
was an alcoholic and there were often horrible family rows, but the next morning my parents would pretend that nothing had happened. Today I would say that they simply did not know how to help themselves, nor did they know how to help me.
There were reasons for my father’s drinking. He lost both of his parents when he was quite young, and his childhood was not happy. As we were living in Soviet times when I was a child, the whole of society was based on lies or half-truths,
which I think was another important factor influencing our family situation. My father began drinking to find some consolation, and with time he became an alcoholic.
When sober, he was a kind and sensitive man, but when he drank his personality
changed. My mother was like a shadow – always there but emotionally out of reach. As long as my dad was sober, he was the person I was emotionally closest to. When he was drinking, I was pretty much left on my own.
From the outside,
I remained quite a cheerful girl as I grew up, but inside the depression began eating away at me. The symptoms came gradually in the form of a growing sadness, an increased oversensitivity and a lack of energy. I still did well at school, but more
or less mechanically, learning my homework by heart and hiding my feelings. As the years went by I grew more and more accustomed to sadness, until I had no recollection of any other state of mind.
In 2001, when I was 25, my world fell to
pieces. Many painful and complicated events combined with an unhappy love story produced a short episode of psychosis, which totally shattered me. All my inner resources ran out and I wished I had never been born. I considered committing suicide,
but my own organism protected me: instead of taking my life I lost my mind.
As I look back today, I can say that thanks to this episode I finally realized that there was something very wrong with me. My parents were of no help, and instinctively
I turned to the Tallinn Psychiatric Hospital.
I had come to the right place. I felt safe staying at the hospital rather than at home, and was treated with care and understanding. The professionals protected me from my family, and made me
feel that they were on my side. They had a serious conversation with my parents about the situation at home, but my parents thought my illness was my own fault and had little to do with them, so nothing really changed.
Luckily I was the
type of person who responded quickly to the treatment I was given: a combination of medicines and psychotherapy. Since then, I have met regularly with a psychologist. I pay for the sessions myself, which I view as an investment in my health and well-being.
Today, my life has completely changed. I no longer need medicine and am again the cheery, energetic and friendly person I was as a child.
I have been very open about my experience, sharing my opinion that a full recovery is possible,
but only if you do most of the work yourself. In 2002, I went back to work, first as a part-time and later as a full-time secretary at the Tallinn Mental Health Center. I told my boss about my background and she was supportive.
I have been
involved in several projects related to mental health since 2002. My main concern is for young people who are experiencing mental health problems for the first time (like me). When I realized that there was no support for these people in the community,
I started a self-help group with funding from the Hamlet Trust, with the aim of providing support for young people in the rehabilitation and recovery process. In April 2004, my first session of the youth support group took place. I was very nervous,
but it all worked out fine. Today, the group is well respected among group members and mental health professionals, and it is probably the most active and sustainable self-help group in the whole country. From 2008, it will no longer function as a
project, but will be one of the permanent services of the Tallinn Mental Health Center, and I will work as the manager of the group.
Thanks to my activities in the mental health field, I have also been able to resume my academic studies.
I had to leave university when I was 20 years old, because of my untreated depression. It was a terrible blow since I have always been ambitious, but luckily I have been given a second chance. In June 2006, the provost of the Private School of Professional
Psychology saw a newspaper article about me, and was impressed by my work in the mental health field. He contacted me and asked if I wanted to study there, and I was happy to enrol. It is expensive, but they let me study for free. In April, I will
receive my diploma in psychological counselling.
My relationship with the family has not really improved. My father died in 2002; I get along with mother and my sister (who is nine years older than me), but we are not close. I still do
not think they understand how the tense atmosphere at home affected my mental health.
Still, I consider myself fortunate in having made a full recovery, and in having rediscovered my old self. It has been a long journey, but it has all
been worth it."
How can Krista‘s story influence policy-making for mental health?
Anyone would feel sympathy for Krista. She grew up in challenging circumstances, with an unsupportive family including an alcoholic father, all of whom found it hard to cope within a society that discouraged openness of any kind. Krista’s story is remarkable in its forgiveness, recognizing that her father would also have his own story of broken expectations to tell.
Importantly Krista also recognized that the sad, isolated and hopeless person she had become was not her real self. She was lucky to find a sympathetic and competent therapist who offered her the help she required, and she rediscovered her real self again, at last. Since then she has used her experiences to help others, and has made a great success of it. Krista took her opportunities and is positive about life, and therefore generates goodwill around her.
What stands out for me is that this story shows what can be achieved if mental health services work sensitively together with a person suffering from problems. This is a story of true empowerment. It also is a story of a positive environment, telling of people willing to help someone who suffered adversity, such as the provost. In mental health care we are too often focused on the negative side of experiences of stigma and discrimination: these are only too real, but we too rarely hear about goodness of human beings.
Dr Matt Muijen, Regional Adviser, WHO/Europe